22 Dec The Shared State of Connection
Women in our culture have been programmed to have sex out of obligation. Women have bought into this idea that sex is not about their own pleasure, but about servicing the needs of their partner.
This is truly heartbreaking and fills me with so much sadness, that there are so many women out there who view sex as a chore and an obligation to fulfill for their partner, rather than as a direct pathway to ecstasy and their own erotic nourishment.
I deeply desire to help women unpack and overcome this obstacle to their own sexual and ecstatic fulfillment. This is a driving, motivating force in my work – to help women overcome these obstacles and to support the healing of the traumatic imprinting that has created a situation where so many women are disconnected from their own bodies and from their own ecstatic pleasure.
Every woman deserves to know their body as a temple for the ecstatic currents of pleasure and life force that flow within, and circulate and nourish the body. Every woman deserves to have first hand knowledge and deeply intimate experiences of their own body as a direct doorway to celestial levels of ecstasy – because the yoni IS the celestial gate.
But in order to do this, we must move beyond the paradigm of sex as an obligation that we do for the other person, and instead move towards the paradigm of sex as a doorway into the innermost realms of self-knowledge, self-healing and self-actualization.
Part of what happens is that couples view sex as something they have to do to “Please” their partner. This idea that we have to focus on doing what we think the other person wants, in order for them to have their sexual pleasure fulfillment is at the root of the problem – in my opinion. Because what happens is it creates a one-sided dynamic within any sexual or erotic experience.
My client yesterday spoke of his experience with an ex-girlfriend, where the dynamic was all about her receiving and him giving, and his lack of satisfaction came up because he was never able to receive. He described a pattern where he would give her massage and then go down on her, and then she would dismiss him or turn him down when it came to penetration, because it was uncomfortable or painful for her – or whatever her rationalization was.
What that does is it sets up a scenario where two people are not in a deep state of connection with each other. It creates a situation where two people are in an unequal power dynamic, and instead of being in the deepest state of connection possible with each other, they are in unequal power dynamic roles with an unequal power exchange, which ultimately becomes unfulfilling over time – because there is never that deep state of connection with your partner that is the truly desired outcome of sex.
In my humble opinion, the goal of sex is not just about the goal of sexual pleasure or experiencing an orgasmic state – although that is a big part of it. I believe that the goal of the transcendent sexual experience is about experiencing the deepest state of connection possible with your partner; of riding the deepest current of love, tenderness and vulnerability possible – with your partner. What we truly want is to experience divine union with our partner; to experience ecstatic divinity together and to know and experiences ourselves and our partners as embodiments of divine love. I believe that is what we actually desire, when we are pursuing peak sexual experiences.
The problems that people encounter during sexual experiences generally occur due to people feeling disconnected from each other. When one person feels used by the other person, like their body is the repository for the other person’s masturbation, it leads to feeling used. When there are unequal power exchanges, where one person is giving and where they feel like the other person isn’t connected with them, isn’t present with them, isn’t receiving – that is deeply unfulfilling. What that does is create a scenario where two people are trying to experience the deepest state of connection and vulnerability and closeness possible with another person, but one person is psychically and energetically pushing the other person away and giving them an energetic, psychic wall of revulsion and rejection.
Simply by becoming disconnected from our bodies, we create the situation where we are meeting our partners with a wall of disgust and revulsion.
It is simply impossible to experience peak states of ecstasy with our partners when we are disconnected from each other, or when we are overwhelmed by our insecurities, inadequacies, feelings of shame and self-disgust. It is especially impossible to experience peak states of ecstasy with our partner when we are silently pushing them away and meeting them with a wall of disgust, derision and revulsion. Our bodies are psychically interwoven with our minds and our hearts, and there is no separation between what is occurring in the subconscious mind, and what is happening in the body. They are completely connected.
This is why we have so much work to do to create healing around our sexuality in our culture, because the traumatic imprinting of shame runs so deep in our culture. Healing and overcoming the imprint of shame and trauma is at the root of what we have to do to heal our civilization’s grip on sexuality.
If we really want to have healthy, loving, ecstatic, connected sexual experiences with our partner – that starts with healing our relationship with our bodies, and confronting the innermost shadows of shame and self-derision.
Ecstatic pleasure and ecstatic connection with our partner is our birthright. Every one of us deserves it. But that means confronting the inner self that pushes people away, that negates and withholds love from other people.
I believe that sexual ecstasy is the most potent form of healing medicine that you can receive. Mind blowing sex is better than the best massage and nothing better relieves tension and stress than mind blowing orgasms. There is nothing that makes you feel more energetically aligned than experiencing than wave after wave of ecstatic orgasms rippling through your body, and the best acupuncturist cannot come close to opening the meridians and energetic pathways of the body, the way your lover can.
But again, this vision of sexual fulfillment relies on your ability to be deeply present and deeply connected with your partner. It is simply impossible to experience this level of erotic nourishment if you are rejecting your partner.
Our bodies are designed to open channels of energy as individuals, and to connect our internal life force energy with the energy of the cosmos, with nature and with the Earth. Mind+Body practices like QiGong and Yoga are methods to create a connection – not only with ourselves – but with the elements surrounding us, with nature, with light, with water, with all of the vital essences of life surrounding us. In order to do that, we have to be deeply connected to our bodies and deeply connected in the present moment.
Likewise, we have the opportunity with sex to open the channels of our own body’s life force energy and merge them together with our partners. That is what makes sex healing. It is in the deepest state of connection with each other possible, and feeling as deeply connected as possible with our partner, that we experience sex as healing. Healing happens through sex when we allow ourselves to feel and receive pleasure in our bodies at the same exact moment that our partner is feeling, giving and receiving pleasure.
When we are in that shared state together, that combined state of two people in the deepest state of ecstasy possible, speaking to each other in the language of ecstasy, that is when the doorways open to each other’s souls and we allow healing to happen. We are becoming each other’s medicine, by allowing ourselves to embody and give love to each other.