06 Jul My Favorite Thing about My Job
Trigger Warning: This post is going to be the most political post I probably ever make.
Every job has its positives and negatives, but I have said for a long time that my favorite thing about my job is having the opportunity to connect with so many people, and hear people’s stories about their lives. I absolutely love getting to sit down with my clients and hear about the human experience from as many different backgrounds, belief systems, racial, cultural and economic backgrounds as possible.
It is precisely this aspect of my work that I love more than anything else. I love sitting down with people of all stripes and backgrounds – most of whom have very different backgrounds and lifestyles from my own.
I have sat down and talked with blue collar workers; people who work on trains, drive semi trucks, do welding and electrical engineering jobs and construction jobs. I have sat down with Indian men who work in the Tech Industry and who are working on artificial intelligence. I have worked with Ethiopian clients, Indian men and Vietnamese clients, whose families have been trying to get them into arranged marriages. I’ve worked with Mexican clients whose parents are illegal immigrants, who escaped to the USA and still work under the table after 30 years.
One day I could work with a blue collar single dad, conservative construction worker, and the following day I could work with an extremely liberal man that works in the tech industry – who identifies as non-binary and is in an ethical non-monogamy relationship.
I had a client once who used to be a liberal who followed the Grateful Dead and dropped acid, who eventually got frustrated with the Democrat Party and turned into a Republican and began working on a cattle ranch in rural Oregon. I’ve worked with clients who have been in the marijuana industry, and worked with both small family hippie farmers in Southern Oregon as well as with Russian / Mexican organized crime. I worked with a client who worked as a nurse chaplain in a Catholic hospital during the height of the Covid Pandemic, and told me his stories of families fighting to be with their loved ones before they died.
I’ve worked with married Mormon men who ended up getting a divorce and then transitioned into ethical non-monogamy. I’ve worked with men who are straight up philanderers, who are married and lying to their wives for years and hiding mistresses, escorts and keeping secrets about affairs for years. I’ve worked with men who are in some type of above board, non-monogamy agreement with their partner.
I’ve worked with men whose wives of 40+ years have died, and now at the age of 72, they are single for the first time in decades. I’ve worked with men whose wife of 15 years died of a sudden onset of cancer, and they are suddenly left with a teenage daughter and absolute heartbroken devastation. I’ve worked with clients who have been married for over 50 years and haven’t had sex with their wife for the last 20 years, and sleep in different bedrooms.
Getting to hear about everyone’s stories is what makes my job fascinating. It’s what I enjoy more than anything else. Because I LOVE being challenged to learn about the human condition, and getting to have conversations with as many people as possible makes my understanding of the complexity of life so much more fulfilling.
I’ll share a personal backstory.
When I was in college, long before I accidentally stumbled into the realm of the SW industry, I was a self-identified bisexual feminist who was obsessed with Ani DiFranco, hung out amongst the queer and LGBT community when I was in college surrounded by feminist lesbians, was a women’s studies minor, and had my head shaved. I was a proper pot smoking hippie who went to slam poetry readings and open mics and was obsessed with Jack Kerouac and Rumi and Gary Snyder was my dreamboat. I wore extremely broken in, bell bottom blue jeans with blown out knees and broken in birkenstocks, and wore mostly thrift store clothes.
At that time, I resented everything about the patriarchy. I didn’t understand men. More to the point – I didn’t understand and therefore judged and resented all types of mainstream working class, middle class men, and successful businessmen. I resented money and wealth and power and status. I had nothing but contempt for the patriarchy, for men and their privilege and power in this society. I resented the history of men subjugating women and controlling women’s bodies.
I was a hardcore lefty liberal and a feminist and I was deeply opposed to the war in Iraq.
So, fast forward several years later to after moving to Portland. I had briefly set up a bodywork treatment space a long, long time ago in NW Portland. And I will never forget this. This man came in and sat down to have an appointment with me, and we ended up getting into a political debate that lasted over an hour. He was a Republican and was completely in support of the war in Iraq, and went on and on defending George W. Bush, Dick Cheney and Donald Rumsfeld (this was back in 2004), and I was absolutely furious with this client. Our political debate became so heated – and I don’t remember what it was about at this point – but I ended up kicking him out and refused to have the session with him. Because of his political opinions.
I’ve actually never had another political debate with a client, ever since, that culminated in an argument that resulted in termination of the session. That only happened once. But it was memorable, because I realized afterwards that it was completely inappropriate to get into a fight with a client.
Don’t get me wrong! I don’t agree with all of my clients. I don’t see eye to eye on every topic. But I have learned how to be curious instead of combative. I still find myself having conversations with clients that I find myself judging or who say things that I find shocking, and having less than compassionate curiosity towards. But, I have learned how to hold my tongue, and still make an effort to be curious instead. Even when it’s hard.
Which brings me to the point of this post.
We live in an era of an extremely divisive, politically polarized society.
One of the reasons why I love my work, and love working with my clients is because I get to have conversations with Republicans, conversations with extremely leftist Liberals, I get to have conversations with very conservative Christians, and other people who are politically moderate and – like myself – lean more independent and are non-partisan.
I love working with all types of people, because it challenges me to be willing to listen to and be curious about people whose political beliefs and lifestyles and backgrounds are vastly different from my own. That challenges me to be curious and to listen, to ask questions, and try to understand people where they are at. It challenges me to try to understand what is true for each individual person, whether they are an Indian man in an arranged marriage, or if they are a blue collar welder.
Learning about people and what is true for every single individual person, makes me identify as anti-partisan.
Over the last few years – I have become disturbed by various aspects of divisiveness, extremism and political polarization on both sides of the spectrum. I am disturbed by some of the most extreme leftist virtue signaling, woke orthodoxy that we see in our culture at this point. And similarly, I am disturbed by the most reactionary, anti woke stuff we see on the right.
I really don’t want to get into the most controversial, divisive debates of our time. But I will just say that the extremes on both sides of the partisan debate are crazy, and I hope we as a culture will approach these issues with less extremism, less polarization, and find middle ground, common sense approaches to solving debates. I’m hoping we can move towards finding common sense middle ground solutions that compromise and meet people somewhere in the middle.
I don’t want to live in a society with so much hatred, vitriol and disgust for the other. Fundamentally, that is the point of this post. We need better than to live in a society where people are constantly hating the other side of the aisle, and looking for opportunities to dump on the other.
I truly wish everyone got to be forced to sit down and have conversations with people they disagree with on a daily basis, and learn how to be curious and to simply listen, and find points where there is an overlap and a place where there is a connection on a topic. Because the polarization and partisan orthodoxy is what is fueling everything that is wrong with our country, and we need better. We need opportunities to listen to each other, and we need leaders who will actually bridge the gap between opposing opposites, and find intellectually well informed middle ground approaches.
I take to heart the belief that everybody has an access to the truth, and that what is true for one person is actually true, even if someone else disagrees with them. Or if someone else’s truth is completely opposite. There is room for everyone’s truth to be true. We are all tiny facets of the universe, and each one of us has some portion of truth or light that is genuine and radiates from a good place. I truly believe that.
And I fundamentally approach my work with my clients from the practice of being curious and being willing to connect, even when it’s hard, even when I’m confronted with something very different, or somebody whose belief systems are frustrating. I try to always be curious and to listen – even when I have my own beliefs and biases, and I hope that this is something that you can incorporate into your lives and your perspectives as well.